You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
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I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
can’t believe I got front row seats
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
I’m having an out of money experience.