ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
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Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail