I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
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Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Sorry. Not sorry
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.