-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
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*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”