I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
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Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry