COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
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How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.