The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
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Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
This hospital has everything
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week