it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
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Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality