It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
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Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
i think my razor is having a panic attack
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though