I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
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People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
This meal prepping shit easy
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.