My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
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please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness