Do robots dream of electric sheep?
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HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
three things we don’t talk about
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
How does one answer this?
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*