Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
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There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then