I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
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Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Meowchelangelo
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
#damn
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.