I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
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Make your daily standup meeting shorter
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.