I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
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Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat