Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
You Might Also Like
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
Who does Amazon think I am?
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
m’lady
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch