*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
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[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
Trying
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard