I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
You Might Also Like
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.