I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
You Might Also Like
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Good morning!
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.