I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
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[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
fired
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1