hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
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Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh