I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
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Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
I used to be married, but I’m better now
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
I like donuts.
Twitter:
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.