Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
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scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.