Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
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I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
No, YOUR illiterate.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
watergate? u mean a dam??
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me