[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
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Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
I don’t hate children, just yours.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.