I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
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A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
WWE is French for “yes”
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.