Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
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How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀