Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
You Might Also Like
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
Hank is one in a melon.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)