I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
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[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Good morning.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…