The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
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Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
🤣✨#caturday