*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
You Might Also Like
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Happy birthday to all the women
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….