I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
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You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
(2022)
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
i spent way too long on this
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
Your honor these allegations are
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
wtf is an acronym
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
looks legit
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”