Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
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If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.