Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
You Might Also Like
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.