Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
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A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
#oldknees
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.