The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
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When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.