*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
You Might Also Like
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her