before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
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Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Letās focus on this week
Me: Ok, so Iām trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? Iām on a work call.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: Iām making my famous baby coleslaw
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
[when itās my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didnāt hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably wonāt hear the next three or so cause Iāll be thinking about the weird way I said ānervous,ā glad to be on the team
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like āhey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!ā
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
welcome to your parentsā house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. š
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats āfirst pee of the morningā to her appointment tomorrow and I just haveā¦so many questions. First of all: how. Secondā¦what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I donāt know what he wants from me but whatever it is heās going to get it
Why should I trust my gut? My gut canāt even tell the difference between āIām hungryā and āIām boredā and thatās literally its only job.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
Please donāt ride with me if youāre gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
Youāll make me nervous.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
If I didnāt have kids, Iād be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
Nice try Hitler
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now