If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
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I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
Stop being racist to kettles.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back