*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
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BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.