I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
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I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
I can fix him.
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
i hate you platonically
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass