Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
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Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
that’s really how it is
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.