Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
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Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
I was bored.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon