Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
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The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone