That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
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Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
Life hack
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
Just got to our Airbnb!
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.