remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
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If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
Meme Monday.