I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
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Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
Story of my life…..
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.