Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
You Might Also Like
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.