The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
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At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*